Please login to submit a screenshot

DON'T BUY THIS
Firebird / £2.50

Dave: The games included on this tape are apparently the worst games submitted to Firebird for publication. Two of them star a puppy called Fido who has to flatten moles with his tail while avoiding birds flying overhead - both games are original and well worth a couple of minutes' attention. Race Ace is another 'also-ran', featuring a character-sized car moving around a single-screen plan view race track - there are two speeds: tediously slow or ridiculously fast! Moving on, there's Weasel Willy and a Fruit Machine.
And that's really what you want to do when you're checking out this one ... 'move on'. The games aren't that bad as do-it-yourself games but, they won't provide that much fun. Take a good look at the words printed on the outside of the package before you buy ... the title of the package really does say it all. 1/5

Ross: Treat the title of this game like a Government Health Warning ... except this time, take notice of it! Believe me, the Spectrum loading pattern is much more exciting than the game. 1/5

Roger: Well, I for one will certainly buy it They may not be great games, but they're fun ... and that must count for quite a lot! At least you know what you're getting! 2/5

DON’T BUY THIS
Producer: Firebird
Memory Required: 16/48k
Retail price: £2.50 — it’s a steal!
Language: megabasic (it’s a very good basic though)
Authors: Anon

A QUICK WORD FIRST...
We’ve had some fun this month extracting the Michael from the Software Editor. Playing on his kind, easy going temperament we handed him a copy of Firebird’s Don’t Buy This and persuaded him that it was a collection of megabrill games. At first he seemed less than convinced so we produced a few review sheets extolling its virtues. Graeme finally clinched it by telling him that he hadn’t learned to appreciate the more subtle aspects of some Spectrum games. Almost convinced, Spencer the Corpulent then phoned Firebird — so we all dashed upstairs to listen in on the extension...

‘We have a copy of your latest release here but it seems to have five games all on one tape, surely there must have been a mistake?’
‘No there’s no mistake, at least not as far as those games are concerned.’
‘Why is it called Don’t Buy This when it seems such great value?’
‘Who did you say you were?’
‘Jeremy Spencer from CRASH’
‘Are you serious?’
‘What? about being from CRASH?’
‘No, about the games.’
‘Well of course I am.’
‘Are you the new Software Editor? The guy that used to sell yellow wellingtons for horses, the ones you filled with water?’
‘Well... er... yes’
‘... and now you own an Amstrad and a lamb that answers to the name of Ernie?’
‘Yes’
‘... and a dog that chews empty wine bottles?’
‘well yes but what...’
‘... you are serious!’
‘Yes of course but why call the cassette "Don’t Buy This"?’
‘It wasn’t meant to be called Don’t Buy This but the type-setters made a mistake.’
‘What was it meant to be called?’
‘Oh it’s been called all sorts of things, lots and lots of different names but since we’ve had so many inlay cards printed it seemed to stick you see.’
‘Fair enough I suppose, perhaps you could give me the names of the authors? I can’t find any credits.’
‘Too right, John... they said they wanted to be kept out of it, out of the limelight I mean, and for that matter perhaps you could keep Firebird’s name out as well... please.’
‘Well that’s very modest of you.’
‘All part of the image you know.’ BBRRRRRRRRRRRR

RACE ACE
Race Ace is a very straightforward racing game, in fact its simplicity is one of its strongest features because you can get stuck in straight away. The player steers one of nine little cars round a fixed track, the others being controlled by the computer. Any one of 250 speeds can be selected for a race of four or more laps. At first I thought the game a little limiting because it only has one track until I realised that by using the simple trick of going backwards a completely new race could be run — unfortunately the other cars persisted in going the wrong way. The graphics are very simple but this is necessary in order to follow the fast action that the game provides. A particularly admirable feature is that no matter what happens to the player’s car, like colliding with another car, or with the kerb, or indeed with anything, it suffers no damage. This means that since your car can’t be damaged you won’t have to keep going back to the start as other race games tend to insist you do. Once your car pulls out into the lead then the race is over: this neatly avoids the tedium you encounter in games like Full Throttle of having to stay ahead once you are.

FIDO is a dog with an Impossible Mission, side swiping the naughty moles with that rigid tail of his.

FIDO
This same requires the player to position the dog, Fido, so that when he sits down and wags his tail he batters little moles to death. The moles keep popping upat the bottom of the screen. This may sound easy to do but you must be careful not to exhaust the little pooch, his energy decreases as he moves across the screen so you must guide him to his feed bowl to boost his energy. The game gets harder still when you consider the action of the birds, they just fly across the screen but because Fido is larger when seated than when standing the birds can

WARNING. This cassette contains five of the most uninspired games ever to disgrace the Spectrum.

In Fido I and Fido II you play Fido the mole bashing pup. When a mole incautiously lifts its head above ground, Fido rushes over, sits down and thumps it with its tail.

Weasel Willy refused to load. The cassette inlay states that 'playing the game is easier than setting the keys'.

Race Ace is the antithesis of any race game ever. It is alternatively too slow and too fast, and to increase playability the control keys are backwards - 'left is left when the kart goes up but right when the kart comes down ...'

You are advised to play Fruit Machine at around four in the morning when you are asleep.

Firebird disclaims all responsibility for the game and states that the product 'may be copied, lent, hired or transmitted at will.' It also advises action if the programming is faulty - put sticky tape over the lug holes and use it as a blank cassette.


Publisher Firebird Price £2.50
Memory 48K Joystick Kempston
**

Clare Edgeley