Please login to submit a screenshot

The first time you play Cybernoid, you'll be dead in under 10 seconds. The second time you play, you may improve to 15. The third will get you to 20, the fourth a bit longer than that, and by the time you've seen the Game Over screen a fifth time you'll either be masochistically energized by the endless onslaught of pain, or else you'll be cursing the Wii Shop for wasting 500 of your Points.

Cybernoid: The Fighting Machine is a side-scrolling shooter from 1987, when it first arrived to frustrate and/or inspire the courage of the most self-loathing and/or truly brave Commodore 64 players of the day. This game is tough. Seriously. There are over 300 different retro titles available through the Virtual Console now, I've reviewed almost every one of them, and this game has to be in the Top 5 most difficult VC games.

If you're intimidated by truly challenging designs, you can check out now. But if you love brutally, unfairly lethal gauntlets of one-hit-killingness, are a glutton for punishment, or just think I'm blowing things out of proportion, read on.

The challenge comes, I think, from the game just not being what you'd expect. You see a spaceship armed with lasers, you see enemies swarming the screen, and you think it's a blast-'em-all game -- a Gradius-style shooter all about survival through superior firepower. But Cybernoid's not that at all. If you play it like that, you die. Like I did. A lot.

Instead, Cybernoid seems to be a much more purposefully strategic game. The way it scrolls supports this -- each screen is self-contained. There's no smooth scrolling from one area to the next, no continuous flow to the action. Instead, like the original Legend of Zelda, every screen exists wholly unto itself. With its own unique challenge to overcome.

The trick, then, is to analyze what each screen gives you and attack it as its own animal -- knowing that when you get to the next screen after it, you'll have to douse your expectations and start strategizing all over again. For example, an early challenge you'll come across is a screen with several thin vertical columns (it's in that screenshot up there). That screen's all about dodging -- getting in sync with the rhythms of the robots moving up and down, so you can safely sail your ship through to the other side. It's a patience tester. A timing challenge.

But the screen immediately before that one is entirely different -- it's an all-out relentless attack, with wave after wave of enemies launching against you. You've got to blast your way through that one with guns blazing, getting your heart rate up and your adrenaline elevated -- but then, when you clear it, it's that patience challenge. A complete contrast. It's almost like Cybernoid is trying to kill you by manipulating your emotional state. Crazy.

If you manage to find your own successful strategy for coping with the varied puzzles that Cybernoid's single-screen challenges throw out against you, then you'll be able to lend some attention to pursuing the actual goal of the game -- salvage. The story holds that space pirates have jetted off with the Federation's supply of ammo, minerals and precious jewels and you're the one who's tasked to bring it all back. You're under a strict time limit to do it, though.

Which is Cybernoid's final hair-puller. You might make your peace with the game's severe difficulty. You might be able to clear an entire stage worth of screens through trial and error, and practiced patience. You might be able to pick up all the Federation space junk left behind by downed enemy ships and carefully carry it all the way through to the end of each stage, but then you still might lose -- because a countdown clock is constantly ticking too, all while you're trying to be all methodical and intelligent. So if a wave of enemies doesn't get you in the first minute, and if a cramped little puzzle section doesn't destroy you in the next, then the ever-present and sinister clock will surely ensure your demise within the following few. Count on it.

The Verdict

Cybernoid: The Fighting Machine needs to be ignored by 95% of Wii owners, and only seriously considered by a fraction of the remaining few -- it's so tough that most people will just get frustrated and want their money back. Those who seek out true challenges, though, and actually enjoy a brutal difficulty level -- not for the sake of showboating, but really, seriously enjoy it -- should be the only ones considering Cybernoid.

Good luck, if that's you.